What are the Answers to Life's Questions?

Well I have backslid a little bit. Due to money issues I became a little depressed and put on about 5 lbs. But hey, it happens. Take 2. I'm going to keep on trying until I get it right and that's the way you have to be.

I've also been contemplating intensely on what is happiness? How do you achieve it as a permanent state if you've never had it before? What's they key to happiness? Etc.

In my studies I've found that alot of people with a concrete sense of emotional well being has had a strong foundation of joy. Solid families. Fulfilling lives since childhood (Family vacations, strong support system etc)

So my question was how do you find happiness/get happy if you don't know what it is? If you don't have this foundation. I think this is a question that escapes many. That's why there's so many addicts trying to find ANYWAY to escape their pain or people committing suicide. If I can find the true answer to that question perhaps I can help so many people.

"Happy People" love giving cliche' advice on happiness but they are coming for a different place, so their advice will not help these people.

I'm in heavy contemplation mode. All month. Using my own l!fe as the guinea pig.

Reason for my sadness and emptiness? My overwhelming sense of failure. I had a plan and expectation crafted since very young and I'm virtually still in the same place I was as a child. (figuratively)

The "American Dream" has been the check point for happiness since I was a child. That was the meaning of happiness to me. But it seems out of sight for me. What if this is my l!fe for the rest of my l!fe? Could I ever be truly happy poor??? I either have to change what my meaning of happiness is, or achieve my meaning of happiness some way or another. Would settling be the best thing for my emotional well-being? Or should I continue to tough it out until I achieve what I want? The payoff could possibly be the biggest payoff I could ever have! But there's a chance it won't ever happen. Do I continue to work toward that with more ferocity or give up on that and try and enjoy what I have??? That is a DEEP and l!fe altering question. One that cannot be made on a whim and one that no one else can answer for me.

What do I want?

• To be a professional musician
• To be sexy (slender)
• To make a career out of my passions
• To feel successful (not feeling like a failure)

Why haven't I achieved my biggest career goals? 1. Because I don't feel "good enough". I don't feel my voice is strong enough and I don't feel I look commercial enough. I wasn't giving the training and practice needed. My voice cracks. When I perform in front of people I don't even sound like myself because I am so nervous. I don't know how or have the know how to change this. I need professional help...which brings me to my 2nd dilemma.

2. I don't have the means to prepare. MONEY MONEY MONEY. Some ppl use their undeniable talent to get the means, and others use their means to enhance their talent. But what if you have neither?

(as far as the weight loss. It's part laziness and part distraction)

How do I get where I want to be? Utilize every free avenue I can to get where I want to be. Build contacts and reputation. Find focus by entering programs to keep me busy and give me direction.

We'll see. I'm going to keep trying to figure this all out.

How I Beat Depression

SYMPTOMS OF DEPRESSION

PEOPLE WHO ARE DEPRESSED MAY...
* Lose interest in activities they normally enjoy
* Isolate themselves from others
* Find little pleasure in life
* Experience poor memory
* Have trouble concentrating
* Neglect responsibility and appearance
* Feel sad, disappointed, confused or anxious
* Have aches and pains, fatigue, loss of appetite, sleep problems

You may be depressed if you're having these feelings nearly everyday for 2 weeks or more.

CHANGES IN FEELINGS MAY INCLUDE...
* Feeling empty
* Inability to enjoy anything
* Hopelessness
* Loss of sexual desire
* Loss of warm feelings for family and friends
* Feelings of self blame or guilt
* Loss of self esteem
* Suicidal thoughts or actions

PHYSICAL COMPLAINTS
* Sleep disturbances such as sleeping too much or too little
* Lack of energy
* Eating too much or too little
* Weight loss or weight gain
* Unexplained headaches or backaches
* Stomach aches, indigestion, or changes in bowel habits

CAUSES OF DEPRESSION
Depression is a medical disease, caused by a neuro-chemical or hormonal imbalance. Depression is caused by certain styles of thinking. Depression is a result of unfortunate experiences. Trauma.

Family History of depression may increase risk.

FACT
There is a type of depression caused by weather it's called "Seasonal Affective Disorder" (SAD). This is depression that results from changes in the season. Most cases begin in the fall or winter, or when there is a decrease in sunlight. They treat this with something called "Light Therapy".

SOLUTIONS
Therapy, Medication, And the way I did it!

HOW I BEAT DEPRESSION
I'm not a fan of medication because I believe it covers up the problem without necessarily solving it. I didn't have the funds to run to a therapist every week so I decided to take matters into my own hands. I researched and realized there was a way I could battle the blues myself. If you are like me, try these natural methods. Allow up to a month to see a difference. Do them all together.

FOOD- Here are some foods that help regulate the chemical serotonin improving your mood. Serotonin is a chemical in the brain that is believed to regulate mood, sleep, appetite and sexuality.

EAT:Sweet Potatoes, whole wheat bread, tuna, flaxweed, spinach, chicken, mushrooms, salmon, mackerel, walnuts, avocados, bananas, fish, canola oil. AVOID: Foods containing omega-6 fatty acids, such as corn and soybean oils.

- Eat breakfast, even if its a breakfast or granola bar, or a piece of fruit on the go.
- It is very important to have a balanced diet. I'm not suggesting you deprive yourself, but often people suffer depression are not getting what their bodies need, and depression is its way of begging for certain nutrients. Incorporate meat, whole wheat, vegetables, fruits, and fish into your diet.
- CUT BACK ON SODA! There is absolutely NOTHING nutritious about soda. If you drink soda once in a while its ok, but if this is the majority of your liquid intake there is a huge problem. Instead of you or who you live with buying Pepsi or Sprite substitute that for juice. Juice is real good and a lot better for you.
- CUT BACK ON THE FAST FOOD!!! These foods throw off your brain chemicals because of how they prepare them to make them last or have more flavor. Don't believe me, try to go without fast food for a month, you'll feel so much better. I know your human and you'll probably have moments when you crave some, I'm not telling you to eliminate, notice I said "cut back". Cut your fast food and soda intake by half and I guarantee you will see a difference.

EXERCISE- Any amount of physical activity will increase endorphins. Endorphins is a chemical that is released in the body that cause "happy feelings" Laughter also causes this to be released. Even more spectacular.... ORGASMS cause the release of endorphins. Now tell me that's not a feel good component!!! *wink*

A lot of people don't exercise because they have busy schedules, aren't active people, or just strait up don't like it. There's good news for all of you. You can improve mood by doing little bits of activity sporadically during the day. Those things include:

- Going for a brief walk- Walk around your block each day, or to the post office. Or instead of taking the bus or train and wasting carfare (or driving and spending a fortune on gas) walk to where you have to go if its close enough.
- Doing housework- Cleaning up your room, or sweeping ARE physical activities.
- Going to the park with your children, or playing ball with your friends, swimming,etc.
- Those who watch a lot of TV, turn it off for an hour and you'd be surprised what activities you will enjoy.

VITAMINS- Take a multi-vitamin everyday with food. I recommend for women "1 a day womens" and for men "1 a day mens". Centrum is also good. Iron and vitamin deficiency also lead to a depressed mood so these help tremendously. Note: Multi-vitamins are a supplement NOT A REPLACEMENT. Still eat right.

PEOPLE- There certain people who may be toxic to your happiness. Examine your relationships with the people in your l!fe and if they stress you out or cause you pain more often than not, getting away from them will be a huge weight lifted off your shoulders. They may not be bad people but they ARE bad for you. It doesn't matter how long you've known them or how much you love him, even a brief distancing can work help. Your peace of mind shouldn't suffer because you feel bound to someone.

Family members can also be the culprit. If its someone related to you that always has something negative to say or do about your first talk to them, tell them how you feel. They may not realize they are doing this. If that doesn't work limit association with them as much as possible. If this is someone who is physically abusing you contact a teacher or social worker immediately.

I had people in my life who validated my depression, and didn't help me. Once I got away from them I got a peace of mind I hadn't had in a while.

Rehab.

Coming out of depression is like being a recovering alcoholic.

Each day is a struggle. You take it a day at a time.

I suffered from depression for 10 years before "coming out of it" in 2005. When I was depressed every day was agonizing. I'd wake up in pain, and go to sleep empty. There wasn't a day that went by where I didn't think about suicide. There was no brightness, just pain and misery all around. Not only sadness but it caused physical pain. I'd be so depressed I'd throw up. Can you imagine ten years of this? After that amount of time you figure that's life, that's what it is and that's all it will ever be. It seems endless and you just want to end the pain. You wait and you wait, you constantly push through to live everyday and nothing ever gets better. Death seems like the only way out the pain. Many people can't fathom such an intense sorrow. People get sad every now and then and think it's equivalent to someone who suffers from clinical depression. It's not. It's a hell, hard for many to imagine.

One day I almost succumbed to my pain, that's when I knew I didn't want to fall to this disease. I wanted a fighting chance at overcoming it. I thought to myself if there are cures for tapeworms, polio, syphilis, psychosis and all these other illnesses then there must be a cure for depression somewhere; somehow.That's when I started my journey to cure my depression once and for all. It involved me ridding myself of cancerous relations, seeking therapy, exercising to boost serotonin levels in my brain and changing up my diet. (I will go into what I did to "cure" my depression in a later blog) Lo' and Behold it worked.

I still get sad here and then but it's not the bottom of the barrel feeling I felt for all those years. Instead of darkness all around I see light at the end of the tunnel. It's a BIG DEAL trust me.

But anyway, on to the point of post.

Even though I'm not in intense agony every second of the day doesn't mean all is right in my world. Things are constantly going wrong in my l!fe. I don't have a stable job or source of income. All these temp jobs that I am not satisfied with. I am disconnected from my family. Landlords who are like the Dev!l incarnate. I have all these dreams with no means to make them a reality. I want to be successful but trying to, feels like I'm climbing Mount Everest with no shoes on carrying a boulder ten times my size on my back. It's something that stresses me out and gets me down. I just recently applied to go to college, I have no idea how I'm going to pay for it or my rent. I'm just so tired of struggling. Everything is hard for me, I would like to have a period of time where things are like air, just like breathing, effortless and vitalizing.

Yesterday I had a really hard day. One after another things were going bad. And I thought to myself "Why am I even doing this?" ....L!ving that is. Why should I even put up with this? I'm tired and I just want to give up sometimes. Yesterday I got really down and considered giving up. After 24 hours I snapped out of it but it made me realize that if I allowed myself to give in to that moment I can be right where I was 5 years ago. Each day I constantly put in work to move forward, to accomplish something, to make another step closer to happiness. I'm nowhere near there. Each day I have to put in WORK ya'll. Much like a former addict has to work on sobriety.

I do wonder if I will ever be completely free of this disease like I hope. I, til this day do not know what happiness is. I imagine it a state where everything is "alright". Even when something goes wrong it's "alright" because there is so many other happy things going on to cancel it out. Part of me thinks it's pointless to keep living if your not going to be happy. Isn't that the point? Isn't that what we all want? What we all chase in some form or another. I wonder how long it can take. By vowing not to k!ll myself (which I have done) I'm agreeing to a l!fe of monotony and constant struggle. Why would someone do that?

I've done it because of the HOPE that there's something better. The hope that I will find happiness one day. And my relentless spirit that I won't quit until I find it. I am no quitter.

Is there any other reasons???

Each day.

One day at a time.