Each day is a struggle. You take it a day at a time.
I suffered from depression for 10 years before "coming out of it" in 2005. When I was depressed every day was agonizing. I'd wake up in pain, and go to sleep empty. There wasn't a day that went by where I didn't think about suicide. There was no brightness, just pain and misery all around. Not only sadness but it caused physical pain. I'd be so depressed I'd throw up. Can you imagine ten years of this? After that amount of time you figure that's life, that's what it is and that's all it will ever be. It seems endless and you just want to end the pain. You wait and you wait, you constantly push through to live everyday and nothing ever gets better. Death seems like the only way out the pain. Many people can't fathom such an intense sorrow. People get sad every now and then and think it's equivalent to someone who suffers from clinical depression. It's not. It's a hell, hard for many to imagine.
One day I almost succumbed to my pain, that's when I knew I didn't want to fall to this disease. I wanted a fighting chance at overcoming it. I thought to myself if there are cures for tapeworms, polio, syphilis, psychosis and all these other illnesses then there must be a cure for depression somewhere; somehow.That's when I started my journey to cure my depression once and for all. It involved me ridding myself of cancerous relations, seeking therapy, exercising to boost serotonin levels in my brain and changing up my diet. (I will go into what I did to "cure" my depression in a later blog) Lo' and Behold it worked.
I still get sad here and then but it's not the bottom of the barrel feeling I felt for all those years. Instead of darkness all around I see light at the end of the tunnel. It's a BIG DEAL trust me.
But anyway, on to the point of post.
Even though I'm not in intense agony every second of the day doesn't mean all is right in my world. Things are constantly going wrong in my l!fe. I don't have a stable job or source of income. All these temp jobs that I am not satisfied with. I am disconnected from my family. Landlords who are like the Dev!l incarnate. I have all these dreams with no means to make them a reality. I want to be successful but trying to, feels like I'm climbing Mount Everest with no shoes on carrying a boulder ten times my size on my back. It's something that stresses me out and gets me down. I just recently applied to go to college, I have no idea how I'm going to pay for it or my rent. I'm just so tired of struggling. Everything is hard for me, I would like to have a period of time where things are like air, just like breathing, effortless and vitalizing.
Yesterday I had a really hard day. One after another things were going bad. And I thought to myself "Why am I even doing this?" ....L!ving that is. Why should I even put up with this? I'm tired and I just want to give up sometimes. Yesterday I got really down and considered giving up. After 24 hours I snapped out of it but it made me realize that if I allowed myself to give in to that moment I can be right where I was 5 years ago. Each day I constantly put in work to move forward, to accomplish something, to make another step closer to happiness. I'm nowhere near there. Each day I have to put in WORK ya'll. Much like a former addict has to work on sobriety.
I do wonder if I will ever be completely free of this disease like I hope. I, til this day do not know what happiness is. I imagine it a state where everything is "alright". Even when something goes wrong it's "alright" because there is so many other happy things going on to cancel it out. Part of me thinks it's pointless to keep living if your not going to be happy. Isn't that the point? Isn't that what we all want? What we all chase in some form or another. I wonder how long it can take. By vowing not to k!ll myself (which I have done) I'm agreeing to a l!fe of monotony and constant struggle. Why would someone do that?
I've done it because of the HOPE that there's something better. The hope that I will find happiness one day. And my relentless spirit that I won't quit until I find it. I am no quitter.
Is there any other reasons???
Each day.
One day at a time.
glad u made that vow jen
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