The Master Cleanse: Meltdown

So yesterday I awoke ready to do the Salt Water Flush and I couldn't really move, my heart was beating out of my chest and it was hard to breathe. That really scared me. So I go to get out of bed to make my way to the kitchen and extremely dizzy, I fell. I was prepared for the headaches, the coughs, but I damn sure wasn't prepared for the heart palpitations. That's when I said "Fuk that I gotta eat." So I try to eat the softest thing I had, oatmeal. Maybe ten minutes later it all comes right back up!!!

So I will not be doing the master cleanse again. All and all I went 6 days without virtually eating anything and by yesterday I wasn't hungry at all. It wasn't me that gave up, it was my body!

Lesson: I think that's why they want you to drink 6-10 glasses of the mixture, so you can get 1200 calories and you won't pass out. Even still, the next cleanse I do I will be allowed to eat because I think food is so important to the body. I feel that much strongly about it now. Food is VITAL to the nourishment and health of our bodies. I am going to try and take this new found momentum and make it to the gym tomorrow.

Lets end the blog with an image of my puke :)

The Master Cleanse: Day One

So for 3 days I have been easing in and only eating a soup each day, and the other day I snuck a potato chip, but other than that its been pretty much all liquid. Today was my first official day on the master cleanse and honestly, I'm not that hungry. The only thing that makes me hungry is me thinking about food, but it's me telling me I want food and not my body feel me?

I was unable to drink the 6 recommended glasses, I'm going to try and get 3 more glasses in before bed tho, but that's kind of a cram. At work everyone was eating juicy chocolate cake, I am actually proud of myself for not caving in. I told myself to try and get through one day doing this. Tomorrow I will try again. I really may quit after I make it to day 3 just because I miss food, my lover. But let me make it pass day 2 first. The easing in definitely has helped though. ALOT!

I have noticed a change in my body, but I'm sure it's not from the master cleanse or specifically from the master cleanse. It's working 7 days a week: All the walking up hills and running around with the kids etc. I actually feel encouraged to keep going to the desired body I want. I just gotta make it to the gym. That is my next challenge.

I may cut this short because I feel that the human body is meant to consume food, food is fuel and it's good for you. Though I do want to cleanse but I also want to eat, I (re)discovered a program my friend was once on called Colonix. It allows me to cleanse and still eat so that is ideal. I will be starting that sometime in 2011 because I gotta pay for it lol.

Ease In: Day One

LOL.... so I'm calling this blog ease in because it was too hard for me to jump right in. This morning I had soup again and nothing the entire day, My weekend job doesn't allow for me to drink 6 glasses of the master cleanse grrr. So I shall be starting Monday, I know I suck. All I kept asking myself today was "Why am I doing this again?" Just had soup all day and I don't feel hungry at all, it's just my thought I keep thinking about food. It's like sex, your body doesn't NEED it, but sometimes you can think about it so much it feels like it does.

(Mini) Master Cleanse Day One

So I started the Master Cleanse, there are some variations because of availability and affordability. Some ingredients I'll upgrade in the coming days, but other than that if this works at all I will be doing it again and investing in the exact ingredients they suggest.

The site suggests Purified Water, Grade B Maple Syrup, Cayenne Pepper, and actual Lemons.

I'm using bottled water (which I will continue to use), Grade A Dark Ember Maple Syrup (which is equivalent to Grade B) and for now Lemon Juice, but I will get Lemons tomorrow.

<--Thats what I'm workin with

I AM STARVING! I just keep thinking about food. Just like last time. When I get hungry I make a mixture of the cleanse, it does help to momentarily curb the hunger and I was surprised the mixture tastes REALLY good! I never had actual Pure Maple Syrup before. I think when I make my organic fruit pancakes I will use that instead of the Processed Syrup. I can't wait to eat dammit lol, but I HAVE to do it this time. The word of the month I'm trying to encompass is discipline and this will be the ultimate form of discipline for me. I don't want to feel like a failure again.

PLAN: I am going to use the Master Cleanse to jump start my new physical fitness regiment. Get me going. I am going to go to the gym every day before work while doing this for SEVEN DAYS then after I will ease out by eating liquid foods so not to gain all the weight I lose back, while still going to the gym. I'm not sure how much I weigh because everytime I go to the doctor I refuse to look at the scale! If I see significant change then I will weigh myself but I believe I am around 140 lbs. I've never made it to the gym for 7 days consecutively and I've never made it pass Day 2 of a fast, but like my friend Natalie said I have to keep telling myself I WILL do it, will myself to do it and when I feel like I can't go on just keep going, keep the goal in mind and try to distract myself. If I can do this I know I can do anything. I'm going to keep telling myself that this is the most important thing on Earth... because it kinda is...

SO FAR: Last night I took 2 exlax to induce bowel movements this morning, which it did and all day lol. This morning I was so hungry I decided I was going to ease in and I had soup this morning, but I got anxious taking a day or 2 to ease in and want this to be over as soon as possible so then I decided to jump right into it after. If I was just using this for diet purposes I would just do an all liquid diet for a while, but the Cleanse is an important part. I'm so exhausted and sick all the time, I really wanna get the toxins out of me. So that's pretty much it, I'm starving and I'm about to chew on some ice cubes. Hopefully after Day 2 I'm ok. I think now is ideal because I work 7 days a week, I'm not home all day with a pantry to distract me, constant movement and distraction I also have my own place so no family members cooking their Sunday's Best.

CHALLENGES: I am on my period which will probably tire me out on this cleanse more so if I was not. Why can't I wait until my time of the month is over? Because it may never be over! I'm on this stupid Birth Control shot and I've been menstruating all month, I'm pissed but what can ya do? Seriously....what can you do? If you have anything to help me solve this major annoyance PLEASE let me know. Also this weekend I work my 2nd job which is long hours standing, walking around and I may not get many opportunities to drink the mixture. Not sure how I'll handle hunger pangs at work because they can really affect work performance. I'm not sure how I'll handle all this but I will blog every day to let you know how I do.

If you want to know about the Master Cleanse here's a link: http://themastercleanse.org/

W!sh me luck! *shudders*

What are the Answers to Life's Questions?

Well I have backslid a little bit. Due to money issues I became a little depressed and put on about 5 lbs. But hey, it happens. Take 2. I'm going to keep on trying until I get it right and that's the way you have to be.

I've also been contemplating intensely on what is happiness? How do you achieve it as a permanent state if you've never had it before? What's they key to happiness? Etc.

In my studies I've found that alot of people with a concrete sense of emotional well being has had a strong foundation of joy. Solid families. Fulfilling lives since childhood (Family vacations, strong support system etc)

So my question was how do you find happiness/get happy if you don't know what it is? If you don't have this foundation. I think this is a question that escapes many. That's why there's so many addicts trying to find ANYWAY to escape their pain or people committing suicide. If I can find the true answer to that question perhaps I can help so many people.

"Happy People" love giving cliche' advice on happiness but they are coming for a different place, so their advice will not help these people.

I'm in heavy contemplation mode. All month. Using my own l!fe as the guinea pig.

Reason for my sadness and emptiness? My overwhelming sense of failure. I had a plan and expectation crafted since very young and I'm virtually still in the same place I was as a child. (figuratively)

The "American Dream" has been the check point for happiness since I was a child. That was the meaning of happiness to me. But it seems out of sight for me. What if this is my l!fe for the rest of my l!fe? Could I ever be truly happy poor??? I either have to change what my meaning of happiness is, or achieve my meaning of happiness some way or another. Would settling be the best thing for my emotional well-being? Or should I continue to tough it out until I achieve what I want? The payoff could possibly be the biggest payoff I could ever have! But there's a chance it won't ever happen. Do I continue to work toward that with more ferocity or give up on that and try and enjoy what I have??? That is a DEEP and l!fe altering question. One that cannot be made on a whim and one that no one else can answer for me.

What do I want?

• To be a professional musician
• To be sexy (slender)
• To make a career out of my passions
• To feel successful (not feeling like a failure)

Why haven't I achieved my biggest career goals? 1. Because I don't feel "good enough". I don't feel my voice is strong enough and I don't feel I look commercial enough. I wasn't giving the training and practice needed. My voice cracks. When I perform in front of people I don't even sound like myself because I am so nervous. I don't know how or have the know how to change this. I need professional help...which brings me to my 2nd dilemma.

2. I don't have the means to prepare. MONEY MONEY MONEY. Some ppl use their undeniable talent to get the means, and others use their means to enhance their talent. But what if you have neither?

(as far as the weight loss. It's part laziness and part distraction)

How do I get where I want to be? Utilize every free avenue I can to get where I want to be. Build contacts and reputation. Find focus by entering programs to keep me busy and give me direction.

We'll see. I'm going to keep trying to figure this all out.

Urge 2 Cleanse

I've been sick and sad all week. Those 2 things equal no progress in my world. I'm going to try something new. I got massively drunk this week at my friends birthday (worth it) but I need a cleansing. I've been wanting to cleanse for YEARS! I've tried and failed about 3 times, but I've never tried while in my own apartment where I can control the ingredients around me. I'm going to try to go 7 whole days! The most I've made it was 2 1/2. Those 2 and a half days felt like weeks in a remote desert.

I feel I definitely feel I need to cleanse all the toxins out my body, start from scratch on my road to weight loss. I'm going to see if my bestie can stay with me for the week to keep me on track. I've been soooo sick all week. I need to not be sick all the time like an old lady and get healthy and lose weight to get my sexy on, at it's full potential.

So I'm going to cleanse and work out at the gym and take vitamins, and liquid meals so I'm not missing out on any nutrients. Lets see and hope I get a clean bill of health at the doctors tomorrow

How I Beat Depression

SYMPTOMS OF DEPRESSION

PEOPLE WHO ARE DEPRESSED MAY...
* Lose interest in activities they normally enjoy
* Isolate themselves from others
* Find little pleasure in life
* Experience poor memory
* Have trouble concentrating
* Neglect responsibility and appearance
* Feel sad, disappointed, confused or anxious
* Have aches and pains, fatigue, loss of appetite, sleep problems

You may be depressed if you're having these feelings nearly everyday for 2 weeks or more.

CHANGES IN FEELINGS MAY INCLUDE...
* Feeling empty
* Inability to enjoy anything
* Hopelessness
* Loss of sexual desire
* Loss of warm feelings for family and friends
* Feelings of self blame or guilt
* Loss of self esteem
* Suicidal thoughts or actions

PHYSICAL COMPLAINTS
* Sleep disturbances such as sleeping too much or too little
* Lack of energy
* Eating too much or too little
* Weight loss or weight gain
* Unexplained headaches or backaches
* Stomach aches, indigestion, or changes in bowel habits

CAUSES OF DEPRESSION
Depression is a medical disease, caused by a neuro-chemical or hormonal imbalance. Depression is caused by certain styles of thinking. Depression is a result of unfortunate experiences. Trauma.

Family History of depression may increase risk.

FACT
There is a type of depression caused by weather it's called "Seasonal Affective Disorder" (SAD). This is depression that results from changes in the season. Most cases begin in the fall or winter, or when there is a decrease in sunlight. They treat this with something called "Light Therapy".

SOLUTIONS
Therapy, Medication, And the way I did it!

HOW I BEAT DEPRESSION
I'm not a fan of medication because I believe it covers up the problem without necessarily solving it. I didn't have the funds to run to a therapist every week so I decided to take matters into my own hands. I researched and realized there was a way I could battle the blues myself. If you are like me, try these natural methods. Allow up to a month to see a difference. Do them all together.

FOOD- Here are some foods that help regulate the chemical serotonin improving your mood. Serotonin is a chemical in the brain that is believed to regulate mood, sleep, appetite and sexuality.

EAT:Sweet Potatoes, whole wheat bread, tuna, flaxweed, spinach, chicken, mushrooms, salmon, mackerel, walnuts, avocados, bananas, fish, canola oil. AVOID: Foods containing omega-6 fatty acids, such as corn and soybean oils.

- Eat breakfast, even if its a breakfast or granola bar, or a piece of fruit on the go.
- It is very important to have a balanced diet. I'm not suggesting you deprive yourself, but often people suffer depression are not getting what their bodies need, and depression is its way of begging for certain nutrients. Incorporate meat, whole wheat, vegetables, fruits, and fish into your diet.
- CUT BACK ON SODA! There is absolutely NOTHING nutritious about soda. If you drink soda once in a while its ok, but if this is the majority of your liquid intake there is a huge problem. Instead of you or who you live with buying Pepsi or Sprite substitute that for juice. Juice is real good and a lot better for you.
- CUT BACK ON THE FAST FOOD!!! These foods throw off your brain chemicals because of how they prepare them to make them last or have more flavor. Don't believe me, try to go without fast food for a month, you'll feel so much better. I know your human and you'll probably have moments when you crave some, I'm not telling you to eliminate, notice I said "cut back". Cut your fast food and soda intake by half and I guarantee you will see a difference.

EXERCISE- Any amount of physical activity will increase endorphins. Endorphins is a chemical that is released in the body that cause "happy feelings" Laughter also causes this to be released. Even more spectacular.... ORGASMS cause the release of endorphins. Now tell me that's not a feel good component!!! *wink*

A lot of people don't exercise because they have busy schedules, aren't active people, or just strait up don't like it. There's good news for all of you. You can improve mood by doing little bits of activity sporadically during the day. Those things include:

- Going for a brief walk- Walk around your block each day, or to the post office. Or instead of taking the bus or train and wasting carfare (or driving and spending a fortune on gas) walk to where you have to go if its close enough.
- Doing housework- Cleaning up your room, or sweeping ARE physical activities.
- Going to the park with your children, or playing ball with your friends, swimming,etc.
- Those who watch a lot of TV, turn it off for an hour and you'd be surprised what activities you will enjoy.

VITAMINS- Take a multi-vitamin everyday with food. I recommend for women "1 a day womens" and for men "1 a day mens". Centrum is also good. Iron and vitamin deficiency also lead to a depressed mood so these help tremendously. Note: Multi-vitamins are a supplement NOT A REPLACEMENT. Still eat right.

PEOPLE- There certain people who may be toxic to your happiness. Examine your relationships with the people in your l!fe and if they stress you out or cause you pain more often than not, getting away from them will be a huge weight lifted off your shoulders. They may not be bad people but they ARE bad for you. It doesn't matter how long you've known them or how much you love him, even a brief distancing can work help. Your peace of mind shouldn't suffer because you feel bound to someone.

Family members can also be the culprit. If its someone related to you that always has something negative to say or do about your first talk to them, tell them how you feel. They may not realize they are doing this. If that doesn't work limit association with them as much as possible. If this is someone who is physically abusing you contact a teacher or social worker immediately.

I had people in my life who validated my depression, and didn't help me. Once I got away from them I got a peace of mind I hadn't had in a while.

Rehab.

Coming out of depression is like being a recovering alcoholic.

Each day is a struggle. You take it a day at a time.

I suffered from depression for 10 years before "coming out of it" in 2005. When I was depressed every day was agonizing. I'd wake up in pain, and go to sleep empty. There wasn't a day that went by where I didn't think about suicide. There was no brightness, just pain and misery all around. Not only sadness but it caused physical pain. I'd be so depressed I'd throw up. Can you imagine ten years of this? After that amount of time you figure that's life, that's what it is and that's all it will ever be. It seems endless and you just want to end the pain. You wait and you wait, you constantly push through to live everyday and nothing ever gets better. Death seems like the only way out the pain. Many people can't fathom such an intense sorrow. People get sad every now and then and think it's equivalent to someone who suffers from clinical depression. It's not. It's a hell, hard for many to imagine.

One day I almost succumbed to my pain, that's when I knew I didn't want to fall to this disease. I wanted a fighting chance at overcoming it. I thought to myself if there are cures for tapeworms, polio, syphilis, psychosis and all these other illnesses then there must be a cure for depression somewhere; somehow.That's when I started my journey to cure my depression once and for all. It involved me ridding myself of cancerous relations, seeking therapy, exercising to boost serotonin levels in my brain and changing up my diet. (I will go into what I did to "cure" my depression in a later blog) Lo' and Behold it worked.

I still get sad here and then but it's not the bottom of the barrel feeling I felt for all those years. Instead of darkness all around I see light at the end of the tunnel. It's a BIG DEAL trust me.

But anyway, on to the point of post.

Even though I'm not in intense agony every second of the day doesn't mean all is right in my world. Things are constantly going wrong in my l!fe. I don't have a stable job or source of income. All these temp jobs that I am not satisfied with. I am disconnected from my family. Landlords who are like the Dev!l incarnate. I have all these dreams with no means to make them a reality. I want to be successful but trying to, feels like I'm climbing Mount Everest with no shoes on carrying a boulder ten times my size on my back. It's something that stresses me out and gets me down. I just recently applied to go to college, I have no idea how I'm going to pay for it or my rent. I'm just so tired of struggling. Everything is hard for me, I would like to have a period of time where things are like air, just like breathing, effortless and vitalizing.

Yesterday I had a really hard day. One after another things were going bad. And I thought to myself "Why am I even doing this?" ....L!ving that is. Why should I even put up with this? I'm tired and I just want to give up sometimes. Yesterday I got really down and considered giving up. After 24 hours I snapped out of it but it made me realize that if I allowed myself to give in to that moment I can be right where I was 5 years ago. Each day I constantly put in work to move forward, to accomplish something, to make another step closer to happiness. I'm nowhere near there. Each day I have to put in WORK ya'll. Much like a former addict has to work on sobriety.

I do wonder if I will ever be completely free of this disease like I hope. I, til this day do not know what happiness is. I imagine it a state where everything is "alright". Even when something goes wrong it's "alright" because there is so many other happy things going on to cancel it out. Part of me thinks it's pointless to keep living if your not going to be happy. Isn't that the point? Isn't that what we all want? What we all chase in some form or another. I wonder how long it can take. By vowing not to k!ll myself (which I have done) I'm agreeing to a l!fe of monotony and constant struggle. Why would someone do that?

I've done it because of the HOPE that there's something better. The hope that I will find happiness one day. And my relentless spirit that I won't quit until I find it. I am no quitter.

Is there any other reasons???

Each day.

One day at a time.

Happy to be Nappy?

HAPPY TO BE NAPPY?

Should that even be a Choice?

(This entry is for people of ANY color. Identity struggles come in all forms)

I hate the term "Nappy". It has such a negative connotation. It's usually used to describe something tangled or unmanageable. It is equivalent to the word "Nigger" in my opinion. Black people are always trapped in illusion. Remaining in a perpetual state of mental slavery. I understand at one point the illusion was necessary because the reality of the pain was too deep. But the truth shall set you free and it's time that we all come to terms with the harsh reality and escape from the chains that seem to have us bound so tight.

For example, Black people are the only race of people that embraces words that were used against us. NO! IT DOES NOT CHANGE THE MEANING OF THE WORD; you're just succumbing to the label put upon you by compromising how you define yourself.

Things that were necessary coping mechanisms back in the day should not and are not necessary now. For example how we eat. Pig Feet, chitterlings, etc, We had no choice during slavery. The slave owners would eat the good parts of the animals and leave the scraps for the slaves. The choice our ancestors had was either to eat the scraps or starve. As humans our survival instinct kicked in. Now, we can go grocery shopping, we can READ ingredients, we can research what's healthy for our bodies; So why do most of us still eat like this? Alot of us scoff at the thought of eating healthy. When I'm at a family event and decline the spare ribs I'm told things like "Them white folks got you eating like them." "You better stop starving yourself." "You better not be turning your back on your culture."

It is not our culture it was a survival tactic.

Also "nigga" is not a term of endearment, we've just got tired of fighting the label and have accepted it, dressed it up a little in order to look in the mirror. You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig.

Same goes for nappy. If we learned how to maintain our hair, treat it so it holds moisture we will begin to notice the natural texture of our hair and IT IS NOT NAPPY, IT IS CURLY.

Even the most tightly coiled hair is not nappy it's curly.

nap·py 1 (nāp'ē)

adj. nap·pi·er , nap·pi·est

Having a nap; fuzzy: a nappy carpet

Often Offensive Tightly curled or coiled. Used of hair.

Word Origin & History

nappy

"downy," 1499, from nap (n.). Meaning "fuzzy, kinky," used incolloquial or derogatory

ref. to the hair of black people, is from1950.

American Psychological Association (APA):

nappy. (n.d.). Online Etymology Dictionary. Retrieved June 29, 2010, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/nappy

I've come to this revelation the other day washing my hair. My nickname as a child was "nappy-head".Babysitters, Aunts, Cousins, Teachers would attempt to do my hair; They'd wash it and just let it air dry.Then in it's dry state try to comb it with a small tooth comb. They'd try to comb it from root to tipSometimes the teeth would break. It made me feel so ashamed. I was literally told "Child you got somenappy hair" or "You got bad hair." I begged my mother for a perm for years; if only I had a perm it wouldsolve all my problems. After recommendations from some of my friends mothers (since my bad hair was such common knowledge) my mother agreed when I was 10 years old. When I showed up in school with myperm everyone applauded me; even the teacher (humiliating). My natural hair was associated with pain, Thephysical pain of getting my hair combed, the emotional pain of being teased constantly about it. After myperm everyone started "noticing" how pretty I was.

So the psychological connection that was made was my hair = bad perm = good

So I had gotten a perm every 2 months since I was 10 years old. Even before that I NEVER knew what mynatural hair texture was because it was never properly maintained. After years of getting my scalp burned,headaches and spending thousands of dollars (I did not have) a year on perms and wash & sets I decided togo natural. I've been natural about 2 years now and I am JUST now learning how to treat my hair. So you canimagine how surprised I am to see the true texture of my hair the other day while washing it. What emerged was coils so soft and curly. Then I started looking at all the people with natural hair around me, all curls.Went online to see some natural hair videos. ALL curly.

We need to stop succumbing to the stigma and start circulating the truth. There's nothing NAPPY, orFUZZY, or UNMANAGEABLE about our hair. Yes if not treated properly it can get tangled like any other hairtexture, but OUR HAIR IS CURLY. Once that knowledge is spread then little kids will stop begging their parents for perms. Black people would stop feeling they NEED a perm. New growth would not be something bad, something to cover up or hide. (Seriously, does that even seem sane? Hair GROWTH being a source ofshame? Can we acknowledge how backwards that is???) Curly is a word with positive connotations. We asBlack people need to start associating ourselves and who we are with positive words. If we do this we can forever change the way we view ourselves and the way others view us as well. We can finally reach our truepotential in all aspects. Black People are the only ones who can truly end this slavery.

The Resume.

My first entry and I don't know how quite to start. The hardest part for me is always starting, the 2nd hardest is finishing. Everything else in between is a cinch. I guess I can start with why I started a blog to begin with.

I am on this new journey. A get healthy and happy journey. I'm on a quest to be my ultimate self. Which is going to be quite a tough journey because I am nowhere near where I need to be. I want to be the best me inside and out.

-I want to lose 20 pounds but I can't seem to exercise for more than a week straight. This is a constant battle. I've been trying to get in shape about 10 years now and since it's 2010 I decide to finally once and for all accomplish all my goals because if I don't do it this year then that means I can't do it. So I refuse to accept that I can't do anything. So it's June and my pattern of being healthy for a week and binging the next has held strong. So this week I have to FORCE myself to be back on track. I'm hoping this blog can help me in some way.

My Current Weakness: Taco Bell


-I want my hair to reach the middle of my back. I was almost there but then my hair fell out last month. Back to the drawing board. And I'm going natural which is a struggle for me. I'm still sort of slave to the European Standard of Beauty and I'm trying to break out of that. For me the chicken has always come before the egg.


-I have really bad skin I want to fix that

-I love to sing but my voice is currently weak, I want to strengthen it

-I want to learn a new language and an instrument

-I want to stop being self conscious

-I want to eliminate all the anger inside of me and become easy going and constant radiator of peace.


Just some of the things I will be writing about. So welcome to my blog. Welcome to my journey. Welcome to my World.

This is me at my current size
Not huge but definitely have some pudge issues. Not the ideal shape I want for myself.






HAIR PICS

The Hair I loss